The Saga of Biôrn, the Viking. Wonderful animated short

The Animation Workshop in Denmark seems to be a breeding ground for hilarious creativity in animation art if you judge it by this film – and it is a bachelor film project, i.e. done by students! The class 0f 2011 put up their stuff in February on Vimeo eingestellt and I have to thank Blaz for telling me about some of the most entertaining seven minutes I have ever had in my life.

Biôrn is a Vikings’ Viking and for him there is only thing in life he would die for: to reach Valhall, the Hall of the Fallen, where they celebrate and fight until the end of time. However, every time the opportunity arises to actually fall in battle the Gods seem to have it in for him – until, finally, he stumbles over a might troll just torching a church …

Biôrn, an old Viking, is determined to reach Valhalla, the warrior’s afterlife full of excessive drinking and debauchery. To gain entry he has to die honorably in battle, but he discovers that the right death isn’t so easy

Picture: Saga of Biôrn, Animation Workshop, 2011. A film by: Benjamin J. Kousholt, Daniel D. Christensen, Mads Lundgaard Christensen, Jesper A. Jensen, Jonas K. Doctor, Steffen Lyhne, Pernille Ørum-Nielsen, Frederik Bjerre-Poulsen, Jonas Georgakakis

Unusual reading with live music on March 5th at Periplaneta, Berlin: Jung, Märkert und Klatte

Incidentally, this event is not available in the foyer – or in German. Our apologies.

Bill Gates auf der Comdex. BSOD für Windows 98

It is a pretty simple story. At spring Comdex of 1998 Bill Gates wanted to introduce a new operating system. The MC added a new scanner and said Windows would load the appropriate driver for the new piece of hardware – and then it happened. The PC shot itself in the foot. Loads of applause, gales of laughter – and a pretty embarrassed MC. Gate simply deadpanned: “That must be why we’re not shipping Windows 98 yet.” By the way: The guy with the scanner was not fired. You do not know what aBSoD is? That is a pity.

Ich – Einfach unverbesserlich. Filmkritik

Do go and watch Despicable me – it is a brilliant film and deserves to be seen! This review is only available in German, unfortunately!

Men vs. women: Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two additional lines to this email.

COMPREHENSION
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The first mentioning of this particular, pretty comprehensive joke is with the ASA, the Arizona Soaring Association in meeting minutes, probably June 2000. A German translation is available.

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Kids… Aren’t They Fun! How to find out whether you are ready for kids

Kids… Aren’t They Fun!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I’ve learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few time before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade…true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said… ‘Holy shit! A talking pig!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

With the German version (which is a bit more than this list) I could find first entries on the net about August 2000. The email I received back then seems to have had two parts – a “kid’s quiz or test” to which a list of “experiences with kids” was added later on. Both texts have internal evidence for coming out of the US – baseball simply isn’t big in Europe. The part above was found by me first in April 2001.

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